Sometimes we hold onto the past. Past triumphs, past failures, past judgments, past pre-conceived notions... When my mother passed away after a battle with lung cancer, I started re-evaluating my relationship with her. It ws probably a typical mother/daughter relationship, but I often felt judged on what I "should" do and it was a bit of a burden.
While my mother battled lung cancer, I started mourning as much for the inevitable loss of her on this earth with us and especially the loss of "Nana" for my boys. But, I also started mourning the state of my relationship with my mother that would be as it was and unchanging once she was gone.
I lost my rudder and I like balance. I was pleasantly surprised in the year after her death as I tried to work out our relationship...really my view of our relationship and re-examine her life and re-evaluate my own life as a mother.
My mother had 5 children with the middle and my only sister, born mentally handicapped. Life was difficult, but she soldiered on without letting us help, even though we tried. I was probably not as patient at times, but I came to understand and appreciate her life. I really wish she would have let go and let us in, but she couldn't...and I am ok with that.
So I learned to let go...I know she is in a better place, free of pain and suffering and remind myself of the serenity prayer I have repeated over the years...
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.